these emotions from what i just wrote are lingering like bad milk that was opened after a few months of being forgotten in the back of the fridge. i type words, my fingers type words, and my thoughts and emotions pour out of my body, and i can smell it rotting peoples minds with idealizations of who i am and how immaturely i think of my relationships with people.
there’s no escape, you say non-judgmental but i see those idealizations burning me when you look me in the face, and in your words. why cant i get over this. why am i so brought down by this individual. the old me would say i dont care, the old me would say fuck the world, but this is two thousand fucking ten and im letting this all bring me down. oh how the mighty have fallen
i love your brother more than the sky has stars. thats cliche’ but there really isnt any other way to say it.
in the past you’ve argued with him about being with me, and how im supposedly hurting him. And like so many people, im prone to making mistakes, i fuck up, i hurt people. im only human, and if you hate me for these things, then what are you? perfect? you havent hurt a soul or made anyone toss and turn at night? give me a damn break.
the idea of you is so great. i’d love to believe you’re nothing more than a kind, talented, unique person, but theres so much more to you than that.
you are a real BITCH sometimes. you put me on the spot, you try to discretely talk about something that involves me and make it sound stupid. as much as you are amazing i still cant find it in me to BE your brothers ex-girlfriend who you had loved and associated as your “sister-in-law”. i cant compete with her, but i’ve made mistakes in my life and she hasnt, she’s “golden”. i say anyone like that hasnt experienced life.
i mean… in life you gotta make mistakes! fuck up while your young! live now and learn later. i will never be her, and im sorry i came off as rude and disconnected to you, but it was hard to come in to his life and just push myself through your door and call you my best friend and soon to be sister. im into reality, and sorry that the respect i had for your sisterly bond with his ex and didnt wanna push a friendship on you, especially since you hear crazy rumors about me (and these rumors come from some silly fat gay kid who wants to spice up his life). i’ve got news for you sista, he made it all up. anything you think i’ve done ill fess up to, ask your brother, he’s heard it all. but im not gonna sit her and admit to the lies someone made up about me.
i was heartbroken at first, but i’ve realized that i no longer need to seek acceptance in you, because i’ve cried about it, ive had my fair share of pain because you just wont shut up about me being so horrible or stop making me feel awkward and out of place.
i find it hard to believe that a person can be so many things, you truly are unique. you have talent pouring out of every pore of your body, the things you find interest in i find interest in too, but you’re a bitch sometimes, and YOU ARE rude, and obnoxious. you’re all over the map.
i’ve gotta hand it to you though, i look up to you talent-wise, you leave me in awe. i just wish…. you would give me a chance.
